(Please don’t go hatin on me. . .)
From my 89 year old male friend, N:
What did one casket say to the other?
“Are you coughin?”
from David Bowie:
Two psychiatrists pass each other on the street.
One says to the other: “You’re fine. How am I?”
from Paul Simon & Edie Brickell:
Paul: You know my wife, Edie. She’s from Dallas.
And well, Dallas, you know. . .it ain’t no Houston!
Edie: Thank God!
from Danica McKellar
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
♪ Sam and Janet Evening ♫ …
(Some enchanted evening…)
from my ten year old friends Katie and Tom:
What’s purple and conquered the world?
Alexander the Grape.
Who’s buried in Alexander the Grape’s tomb?
Alexander the Raisin.
from Aldous Huxley:
There once was a young man from Kent
whose cock was so long it was bent.
To save the girls trouble, he folded it double
and instead of coming, he went.
from Nina Hamnett:
I sometimes wish, when I am tight,
that I were an hermaphrodite;
and thus united with some black
I’d be wafted up to heaven
in position fifty-seven.
from my eighty-five year old woman friend, C:
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it’s filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, “What’s with the money in the jar?”
“Well…, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus”
The man certainly isn’t going to pass this up, so he asks, “What are the three tests?”
“You gotta pay first,” says the bartender, “those are the rules.”
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
“Okay,” says the bartender, “here’s what you need to do:
First – You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can’t make a face while doing it.”
“Second – There’s a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.”
“Third – There’s a 90-year old lady upstairs who’s never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.”
The man is stunned! “I know I paid my $10 — but I’m not an idiot! I won’t do it! You’d have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!”
“Your call,” says the bartender, “but, your money stays where it is.”
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, “Where’s the damn tequila?!”
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks — but he doesn’t make a face — and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight — then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he’s bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, “Now…, where’s that old woman with the bad tooth?”
from my friend Bill’s cousin, Father Mike:
Lifelong friends Connor and Sean had worked together at the Guinness brewery all their days. Every evening they’d walk home together, coming first to Sean’s house, where his wife Brenda would always be waiting at the gate to greet them. One day at quitting time Brenda sees Connor walking slowly toward her gate, alone. She is instantly gripped by dread. “Has something happen to my Seannie!?” she cries out as Connor approaches. “Yes, Brenda, I must tell you,” he replies gravely, “we lost Sean today.”
“How can it be?!” she sobs.
“A terrible work accident at the plant,” Connor explains soothingly.
“Tell me what happened,” Brenda bravely insists, stifling her sobs. “I must know.”
“He was working the catwalk and appeared to slip, plunging head first straight into the brewing vat.”
“Oh, dear Lord!” Brenda exclaims. After a moment of taking all this in, she sighs and says, “Well, it must have been a mercy then—to have gone so painlessly and swiftly….”
“Aye,” Connor reflects, “Tis true he felt not a moment of pain. But as to swiftly, well now, ’twas not quite so: for didn’t our boy-o Sean be havin’ to climb out twice through it all just to go take a piss.”