Wretched repeated retching in response to revolting revelation!

Nation Desperately Hopes Real Reason for Bannon’s Exit Will Not Involve Sex Tape

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

07 April 17

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, “The Borowitz Report.”

broad majority of Americans do not believe that they have heard the real reason for Steve Bannon’s abrupt removal from the National Security Council but desperately hope that, when that reason ultimately emerges, it will not involve a sex tape.

The snapshot of a nation praying for Bannon’s exit to be explained by anything but a sex tape was captured by a poll taken late on Wednesday, in which more than ninety per cent of Americans expressed their anxiety about such an outcome.

When poll respondents were asked about the real reason for Bannon’s removal, forty-two per cent said that they hoped it would involve a financial scandal, thirty-one per cent said that they hoped it would somehow relate to Russia, and zero per cent said that they hoped for a sex tape.

The terror inspired by the thought of a Bannon-based sex tape cut across party lines, with Democrats calling the idea slightly more traumatizing than Republicans did.

Finally, when asked how they would react if Bannon’s sudden departure did, in fact, turn out to involve a sex tape, an overwhelming majority “strongly agreed” with the statement “Please, please, please, God, no.”

 

Comments   

+29 # Wise woman 2017-04-07 18:57

OMG, Andy – you had me there for a minute. Now I can’t stop laughing. You’re giving me a stomach ache!
+19 # solartopia.org 2017-04-07 21:42

clearly he’s been having an affair with Ann Coulter. How could you possibly suppress that obvious fact?
+19 # ericlipps 2017-04-08 06:09

Gallows humor. How have we come to this?

Please, please, please do away with the Electoral College.

+19 # Trish42 2017-04-08 06:36

Au contraire, Andy—not nearly as revolting as the thought of Trump in a sex tape.
+4 # Femihumanist 2017-04-08 15:11

Quoting Trish42:

Au contraire, Andy—not nearly as revolting as the thought of Trump in a sex tape.

OOHH!! But imagine the two together.

Sorry for my delayed return. I was in the bathroom vomiting.

+3 # James Klimaski 2017-04-08 06:54

Though the real reason for Bannon’s removal is classified as Secret, a White house staffer leaked it last night – Trump did not like the fact that Bannon’s hair style was getting as much press as his.
+5 # elkingo 2017-04-08 10:09

Who really knows? These amoral bastards are capable of anything.
+4 # margpark 2017-04-08 11:44

I am hoping for an involvement with the Russia thing myself. The thought of viewing such a sex tape is nauseating.
I preferred it when politicians’ sex lives were completely private.
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Quotidian Ecstasies

Quotidian Ecstasies: Two Poems from Two American Poets.

Saunter forever O dolphins mythologically dreaming of us

 

At the middle of the heights of our love life

I had so many noisy sendings of wetness, juice, joy,

expirations, romantic gasps

that the night might be thinking a series of dolphins was

explosively partaking of the divine,

fireworks in the soft flower night, wet;     Joyce at the

pub, boisterous Dylan, blazing

Blake, could not be more

splurging sonorous.     Little lambs on green pastoral hills

by Angelic capitals and mossy Cathedrals

and the smell of haystacks and farms and French bread

could not be more glowing Arcadian.

Look, Proteus is procreating Again.    Barnacle Bill is

snoring.  Some sumptuous readers

dizzy dazzled utterly drizzled drenched are ready to

touch the thigh of the Shaking Wonder

of Words-in-Water.

 

–John Tagliabue (1923-2006)

The Great Day: Poems, 1962-1983 (1984)

 

Amsterdam

Tea

 

Steam is the first sip

touch air with taste.

 

Scent is the second sip

tang of union.

 

Too hot, hint of purity,

lips recoil.

Now the waiting,

place hands

on edge of vessel.

Listen for cooling.

 

No one knows where the drink

comes from,

it shows up in the kitchen

a guest.

Be a good host, ask the kettle

why it sings.

 

Caress the handle with flesh.

Open your mouth to its mouth.

Inhale the last drop of coming honey.

What pleasure the empty cup

knows.

 

–Gary Mex Glazner (b. 1957)

Ears on Fire: Snapshot Essays in a World of Poets (2002)